“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever” ― Dave Matthews Band
F I G H T I N G T H E U R G E T O R E U N I T E
Death is the greatest tragedy in life. It erases all that a couple has worked hard for through the years and leaves the surviving partner emotionally drained, perplexed and devastated. The once familiar world becomes a complex kaleidoscope of shapes, colors and visual blurs.
Maintaining familial relationships and ties become the paramount concern of the one left behind who now seeks comfort, guidance and understanding within the shelter of their loved ones. This grieving person is totally dependent upon their extended family members to guide them through difficult times.
For some people the grieving process helps them cope with the loss they have recently faced and allows them to continue on with their lives occasionally relishing the memory of their departed spouse.
Other deeply distraught personality types wear the grieving process as a personal mantle which they believe will enable them to not only remember and cherish their loved one but also act as a type of gauge in which to compare and judge potential future mates.
At this point in the process the unsuspecting newcomer on the scene must compete with an idealized image of the spouse that begins to impinge on the future relationship the surviving mate may wish to establish.
There is no fixed time limit on grieving but this process should not become a standard by which the remaining spouse judge all other pretenders to the domestic throne.
The man or woman attempting to establish a relationship with this person should not have to morph their own personality, values and basic self to fit into a surrealistic mold of the absent partner.
I know a number of folks who are in such a situation. They have confided that although the person they are currently dating is ” a nice guy or gal ” they detect a reluctance on the part of their future love interest to re commit to a relationship because that person is still enamored with the ghost of their past spouse.
You also have to add to the equation the impact that adult children, inlays and friends exert on the outsider trying to establish some type of emotional connection with th bereaved person.
There is one situation in which the offspring of both parties ( one divorced the other a widower) are at odds about meeting one another. In the case of the divorced woman her husband is a Budinski and constantly downplays the new suitor.
I say there is no need to compete. Retreat and be yourself. If the person you are dating cannot appreciate you and your unique personality and inner qualities then end the relationship knowing that you have the right to be you. No one should constantly be reshaping and converting you into another person.
Be aware of who you are as a person. Respect and appreciate yourself. Enjoy each day. Don’t compete. — gc